‘I need you at night’: Understanding your child’s need for comfort and co-regulation

12 Feb

‘I need you at night’

Please don’t pull away. I know it’s dark, and I know you’re tired, but I need you.

The night feels different from the day. The quiet is louder. The darkness is bigger. My body feels smaller.

When I reach for you, I’m not trying to be difficult. I’m not trying to manipulate you. I’m not trying to stop you from sleeping. I just need to know you’re there.

Your warmth reminds me that I am safe.
Your breath steadies mine.
Your voice softens the shadows.

I need to feel safe to be able to fall asleep.

I don’t know how to explain that my body isn’t ready to be alone yet. That my brain is still learning how to settle without you near. That I sleep best when I feel connected, not when I’m forced to separate before I’m ready.

One day, I won’t call for you in the night. One day, I will feel safe on my own.

But tonight, I need you. And that’s okay.

I don’t need to be ‘weaned off’ love. I need to be filled up with it.

Understanding your child’s need for comfort and co-regulation

If your child struggles to sleep alone or wakes overnight needing comfort, they aren’t trying to be difficult or form a ‘bad habit’. Their need for you at night is just as real as it is during the day. They seek your presence because they are still learning how to regulate their emotions, their bodies, and their nervous systems.

This is where co-regulation comes in.

The science of co-regulation

Children aren’t born with the ability to regulate their emotions and stress responses. Instead, they learn how to manage these feelings through a process called co-regulation, which happens when a trusted caregiver helps them feel safe and soothed.

Young children do not yet have a fully developed prefrontal cortex—the part of the brain responsible for emotional regulation. This means they quite literally lack the brain development needed to self-soothe. When they are upset or struggling to sleep, they need to ‘borrow’ your prefrontal cortex by feeling your calm presence and experiencing your own self-regulation. Over time, this process helps them build their own ability to manage emotions and stress.

What that means is that they need countless experiences of co-regulation before they can self-regulate.

At night, co-regulation is just as important as during the day. When a child (of any age!) wakes up, they may feel disoriented, lonely, anxious, or scared. By responding to their needs with closeness, gentle words, or a reassuring touch, you’re helping their nervous system calm down and reinforcing their sense of security.

Why comforting your child at night is never a ‘bad habit’

Many parents worry that responding to their child’s nighttime needs will create dependency. But in reality, the opposite is true. When children feel consistently supported, they develop secure attachment, which leads to greater independence over time.

They need help feeling safe at night before they can sleep soundly on their own. Independence is not something that can be forced; it develops naturally when children feel secure.

Gentle ways to support co-regulation at night

If your child struggles with nighttime separation, here are some ways to provide comfort while also supporting your own rest:

Stay present – Sitting or lying beside your child until they fall asleep helps ease nighttime anxiety.
Use a sidecar cot – If bed-sharing with your baby or toddler isn’t for you, placing a cot next to your bed allows for closeness while maintaining separate sleep surfaces.
Comfort objects – A special safe blanket or stuffed animal that smells like you can help ease any separation.
Meet their needs before bedtime – Filling their ‘connection cup’ through quality time together, extra cuddles, bedtime stories, or child-led play can create a smoother transition to sleep.

A floor bed next to your own can be a wonderful solution if you want your child to have the option to come to you when they need comfort during the night, particularly if you’d rather they didn’t get into your bed because it disturbs your sleep. This gives them independence and comfort, while still being close to you.
Consider having a double or queen-sized bed in your child’s bedroom. This provides enough space for both of you to sleep comfortably if your child seeks closeness during the night.

Meeting your own needs while supporting co-regulation at night

Create time for yourself during bedtime. If you're feeling frustrated because you’re craving some evening downtime, one option is to use headphones or earbuds to enjoy podcasts, audiobooks, or relaxing music while still being present for your child.
If you’re not getting time for yourself after your child’s bedtime (or you’re falling asleep beside them!), consider waking up a bit earlier in the mornings before your child rises to get some alone time. Whether it's for quiet reflection, exercise, or enjoying a quiet cup of coffee, carving out even just 20 minutes can make a huge difference in feeling refreshed and ready for the day.
While co-regulation is important at night, finding moments during the day for quiet connection or independent activities can give both you and your child some breathing room. Even 15-20 minutes of solo play can allow your child to have their own space while you get some time for yourself—whether it's a nap, reading, or even just sipping a warm drink without interruptions.
You can still tap into moments of mindfulness or self-care within those nighttime co-regulation interactions. For example, practicing slow, deep breathing with your child, or listening to a guided meditation together, can help you maintain emotional balance while also caring for your own nervous system.
Communicate your needs and set boundaries. Once your child is old enough to understand, be open about your needs for alone time and self-care. Gently communicate that you need a break, and that you’ll be there for them afterward. Setting boundaries around this doesn’t mean you're neglecting them—it’s showing them the importance of self-care and personal space.
Try to integrate small restorative activities throughout your day. These could include taking deep breaths while preparing a meal, lighting a candle for a soothing atmosphere, giving yourself a hand massage with essential oils, or listening to a short podcast or calming music while doing a task with your child nearby. These little moments, though short, can help you recharge emotionally and physically.

Final words of encouragement

It’s completely understandable to feel frustrated or like your own needs are being overlooked. While your child’s needs are important, yours are too. Finding small ways to care for yourself alongside supporting them can help you maintain your own sense of self while doing the deep, and often difficult, work of co-regulating and parenting.

If your child needs you at night, they are not broken or ‘too clingy’. They don’t need sleep training. You are not failing. You are doing exactly what they need to feel safe and loved.

One day, they won’t call for you in the night. But for now, your presence is the most powerful sleep aid they will ever have. And that is something truly beautiful.

If you're feeling stuck in meeting both your child’s needs and your own, or if nighttime anxiety and fears are making sleep challenging for your family, I’m here to help. I offer 1:1 support to create a plan that nurtures both your child’s sense of security and your own wellbeing. Book a session with me here and let’s work together to make nights more restful for everyone.